


A Love Song That Didn't End In Tears

by axumun



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-24
Updated: 2011-07-24
Packaged: 2017-10-21 17:21:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/227691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axumun/pseuds/axumun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Adam falls in love. Eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Love Song That Didn't End In Tears

**Author's Note:**

> [this story is really only rated E for one brief-ish sex scene. safety first.]
> 
> This was originally intended to be my Lambski Big Bang fic, but I ended up getting other ideas for that and decided to post this independently.
> 
> Kisses to Casey and Suski for the beta! This is the first time I've ever had a story beta'ed and it's really helped a lot. I feel like I've grown quite a bit as a writer as a result. :)

Adam closes his eyes, breathes in deep, breathes in these scents and sights until they become a part of his very soul. Nothing about this night _feels_ remarkably different. The shows are always great, always a rush. He'd hate to come to a point where they all seem the same - because what fun would _that_ be? - but the lines are definitely starting to blur, to fade, to become nothing at all.

He loves everything about this tour, yet it weighs him down. He loves the venues, from the grand theaters to that slaughterhouse back in Texas. They all have their own little quirks, their own beauty, their own _life_. He loves all the fans he's met, as well as all the ones he hasn't; all the new friends, all the people he's come across along the way, all the hands he's shaken. Never for a moment does he want to forget all of the people that got him here.

But, it's overwhelming. It's always overwhelming, no matter how good it feels.

He knows how lucky he is to get on stage every night and do what he loves, knows that tomorrow will never be _just another day_. It's almost a comfort, but then again, it'll never be anything close. Adam would never wish it away; he'd be the biggest hypocrite the world has ever known. He adores the life, but sometimes it blurs too much with what remains of what his life was before.

Even the club scene is almost all the same, too, even if it's still really fun. Finland's got some beautiful people, and it seems as if they've all shown up here tonight. They dance, bodies swaying with the bass line, the pulse of it mixing with those of their hearts, the energy and life in their conversations. They talk, clustered in big groups that constantly mingle with each other, individuals always moving among people and discussions to keep things interesting. They drink - God, do they _drink_ \- bright concoctions like ice-cold flames sparkling and twinkling in the lights.

For a while, Adam is content to _watch_ , to _observe_ , to _wait_ like he never does. He returns a few smiles and sips at his own drink as an excuse to hide the darkness in his eyes, to hide his _want_. He doesn't know where it comes from. It's like he's caught the scent of prey. Like he's missing something.

He gets up, drink in hand, and he draws a crowd almost immediately. People circle him, surround his body as he's trapped in the center of the floor, hitting off conversations with the few here that speak fluent English.

They ask him questions, and some come close to crossing a line, but they're never blatantly inappropriate, never interrupting his fun. They don't ask for autographs or pictures or kisses. Some ask for nothing at all. It's nice not to have to worry about that, to not have to worry about the next girl or guy coming up to meet him and wondering whether or not they're going to do something stupid; touch his face or grab his junk.

There's a sense of respect here, not a sense of discomfort. It envelops Adam, calms him as much as it can with the steady drumming of his heart and the alcohol humming in his veins.

After a little while, people are buying him drinks and getting him to talk and encouraging him to dance. He obliges.

And, for the first time in a long time, it feels like blending into the crowd, becoming one with them, _letting go_ along with them, laughing and moving and _being_. Breaking free.

There comes a point, a point where Adam's half-drunk and his makeup's probably tracking down his face, where he considers leaving, walking out the door, into the silence and the darkness, into the open, and never looking back. Their schedule brings them to a hotel tonight, which is much better than a bus, for sure. He can check into his own room, maybe take some aspirin for the pounding headache he's sure to have tomorrow.

It sounds good. Really good. Adam finds Lane, checks in with her, and then he's heading for the door, waving and smiling to a few pretty faces that he recognizes but has no names for.

When he's an arm's length from the exit, Adam turns around, takes everything in one last time; the lights and the excitement and this strange sense of _belonging_.

Something - _someone_ \- catches his eye, and stops him.

Eyes. Electric blue and full of fire, much like what Adam sees in the mirror.

In that moment, something shifts.

Breaks.

Falls away.

Something beckons him, a voice within his head that's normally tuned out. He's trusted it before, and also ignored it, always wary of giving in to it, but now, it's impossible to escape. It's like a chant, even louder and heavier than the bass beat, telling him to _find them_ ; find those _eyes_.

The door is forgotten; leaving feels impossible. His feet carry him back toward the crowd, off to the side instead of toward the center of everything. A flash of those eyes comes again, like a vision, and Adam wonders if he's been hallucinating everything.

Once Adam finds him - finds those _eyes_ \- he waits. He's surrounded by friends, talking so rapidly that Adam's head spins when he tries to keep up. Interrupting him now, when he's so at peace, would feel wrong, _be_ wrong.

Adam looks away, but not before giving the guy a good once-over. He's got a smile to match those eyes, teeth blindingly white and beautifully aligned. His skin is ever-so-slightly tanned, glowing, smattered with freckles. His nose scrunches up a little whenever he laughs. The sides of his head are closely shaven, and most of his hair is on the top of his head, fair and thick and pretty.

Soon, the crowd starts shuffling out, dwindling down, moving about, until those blue eyes are pretty much alone, still smiling. Always smiling.

With a little sigh, Adam stands up, walks over, and taps him on the shoulder.

 ****

 **~*~**

It's freezing outside, cold enough that Adam's teeth are already chattering barely fifteen seconds after he finally walks out that door, this time with a gorgeous blond Finn under his arm. He's _still_ smiling, and Adam will have to ask him what his secret is; how his face doesn't freeze like that.

Adam tries to be a gentleman and introduce himself, but the Finn stops him and says, "I know who you are."

Though there's nothing particularly funny about the statement, Adam laughs anyway.

He says his name's Sauli. The name intrigues Adam, and he repeats it, just to feel its weight on his tongue. He has to bite his lip just to keep from saying it again.

Half of their conversation is probably spent with Adam telling Sauli how beautiful he is, how his smile only seems to shine brighter under the light of the streetlamps and the visible sliver of the moon. The other half is most likely spent saying something interesting, and Adam only hopes he'll be able to remember.

Sauli talks about what he does for a living, how he's part of a web show or something, but Adam can't stop listening to _how_ Sauli speaks long enough to comprehend his words; his thick accent that probably only got thicker with all of the alcohol he's consumed. His English isn't perfect, but Adam can understand him, and he doesn't _dare_ correct him.

Once their discussion becomes thin, Adam stops. Sauli freezes in his tracks, barely even _breathes_ , curiosity written all over his face.

Adam moves so that his body is directly in front of Sauli's. He feels Sauli's confusion like a tangible force as he brings his hands up to either side of Sauli's head, almost covering his ears, fingers spanning from his cheekbones to the crux of his shoulder and neck. Adam's saying something then, but Sauli can't really make out any of his words. He can only watch Adam's mouth move, watch his eyes darken and smolder with heat. Sauli laughs, then; he can't help but think this is some kind of joke. People just don't _do_ this; put their hands over other people's ears and try to talk to them.

Do they?

Why do Americans always have to go off and be so _weird_?

Before Sauli can complete the thought, Adam closes the distance between their mouths. It's a tentative touch at first, like he's giving Sauli the option to push him away, but Sauli doesn't take the offer.

Once Adam realizes this, he _attacks_ , licking Sauli's mouth open, twining their tongues and meshing their lips. There's a sweetness to the kiss, something addictive, and Adam chases that taste with lips and tongue, licking at the smooth roof of Sauli's mouth before pulling away to catch his breath.

Adam drops his head, bringing his mouth to Sauli's neck, lips trailing over his butterfly tattoo - his _butterfly tattoo_ , for crying out loud. He smiles against Sauli's skin.

It's Lane who finds them then, telling Adam they have to get to the hotel. _Now_. Adam doesn't miss the fond little roll of her eyes. He just laughs, his hands still warm at the back of Sauli's neck.

Something tells him not to let this go, not to just leave now, not to leave Sauli behind. So, he doesn't.

Lane knows him well enough; she'll understand.

 ****

 **~*~**

When he and Sauli reach their room - their _room_ , God! - the heat prickling under Adam's skin has bloomed into a wildfire. It would be so easy just to pin Sauli against the wall and _take_. But, no. He's going to do this right, now that he has the _chance_ to make this right. He's _at least_ getting them to a bed.

Sauli strips off their jackets, and all the while, his infectious little smile never leaves his face.

They close their distance to the bed and just _fall_ , already too busy kissing and touching to measure their landing.

Removing Sauli's shirt reveals more tattoos; bluebirds - _bluebirds_ \- inked near both of his shoulders, and an intricate sleeve on his left arm decorated with flowers and stars and vines and the like.

Adam goes for the butterfly, because it's familiar, at least a little bit. This time, he tastes the sweat that's beginning to break over Sauli's skin, tastes his _desire_ , and it driveshim on, his body shuffling so he can kiss and lick at the inking closest to Sauli's right shoulder.

He moves back up to kiss Sauli's collarbones, knowing better than to leave marks, before licking the length of his throat. Sauli _squirms_ , his hands pressing at Adam's shoulders, babbling in some incomprehensible combination of English and Finnish, but his tone is all the translation Adam needs.

Sauli has the option to lay on his stomach, because, honestly, Adam's pretty _big_ , and he only wants to make this easier on him, but he insists on staying on his back. "I want to see you."

Adam beams. He needs to _see_ those eyes, look _into_ them, into _Sauli_.

He slithers down the length of Saui's body, pressing kisses to every inch of bare skin he can reach before flicking the very tip of his tongue against the head of Sauli's cock, already wet and leaking.

Sauli rocks his hips, whispering, "Please, please, I want..."

Adam's back in an instant, lightly pressing their noses together. "What, baby? Tell me what you want."

Sauli's answer is one that cannot be mistaken, so stunningly _honest_ in its message. "Fuck me."

Taken aback by the simplicity of Sauli's words, Adam's breath catches. "Sauli," he breathes, a sound that can barely be heard. His hands trace the planes of Sauli's body, fingers teasing his hole. "Sauli, yes, _oh_ , yes."

He takes more time with opening Sauli up than he has to, being a little more cautious than usual, trying his best to ignore Sauli's whispers of _please_ and _now_ and _I_ _need_. Finally, when Sauli's ready, desperate enough, Adam takes his fingers away, hushing Sauli's groan with a quick kiss.

There are a few long, dragging moments in between, moments of _cold_ and _empty_ , moments Adam takes to deftly slip on a condom and drip lube over Sauli's hole, before he's back, guiding himself, _pushing_ himself _inside_.

Adam leans down, meeting Sauli's lips again, swallowing his eager moans. They're pressed together from chest to knee, limbs tightening around the other, a confusing, beautiful _mess_ of entangled arms and legs. Once they set a rhythm, everything else tunes out of focus, fading.

It feels so much like making love.

The realization hits Adam like a punch to the gut, stealing what little remains of his air supply, making him still for a moment before he comes around and starts to move again.

Sauli starts speaking again, another indistinguishable babble in his native tongue, slurred by alcohol and lust. It occurs to Adam that he's asking - _begging_ for something; he has that _tone_ again.

Adam slips a hand between their bodies and gently wraps his fingers around Sauli's cock, stroking slow and sweet and measured before the touch becomes erratic, losing all of its rhythm and pattern. With a wordless cry, Sauli comes between them, back arching and fingers curling tight around Adam's shoulders.

It takes a moment for Adam to follow, to reach his own release. When he finally comes, he lets himself fall against Sauli bonelessly, taking a few moments just to _breathe_. Carefully, he pulls himself from Sauli's body and discards the condom before hitting the bed again. This time, he doesn't crash against Sauli's welcoming heat and soft skin, but against sex-mussed sheets.

He turns his head curiously to find Sauli emerging from the bathroom with a damp wash cloth in one hand. He leans over Adam, dragging it over his stomach and tentatively between his thighs before cleaning himself off.

The cloth is tossed aside, and Sauli leans across the bed to press a kiss to Adam's cheek, letting himself be gathered into Adam's arms.

"Wonderful," Sauli whispers. "You are wonderful."

 ****

 **~*~**

Sauli's still beside him when he wakes up, still warm and alive and _here_ , and Adam can't help but feel uncharacteristically shallow when he gets a little thrill out of it. Usually, a boy is gone by now.

It's not that Adam _wants_ it to happen. He'd hate for that to happen again. It's just...He wonders why it _didn't_ happen.

Adam stirs and turns around, lightly tracing a finger over Sauli's features; his lips, his nose, his eyelids. Sauli's eyes crack open after a moment, a question in his eyes as he looks back at Adam.

"Morning," Adam murmurs, pulling away.

Sauli smiles and stretches his arms over his head. "Mm. Yes, good morning."

Adam watches contentedly as Sauli curls his toes, rolls his shoulders, loosens his body. He sits up against the headboard, hugging a pillow. "Did you sleep well?"

"I did." Adam takes a moment to realize that, _yeah_ , he _did_. He slept better than he had in months.

Sauli stares blankly across the room. "It's very early."

"Sorry, I-"

Silencing Adam with a kiss, Sauli reaches over to the window beside the bed and pulls the blinds. "No, I like it. I like watching the world wake up."

Adam rolls onto his side and stares out at the view. It's definitely pretty, and it seems endless. Sauli's right, they _are_ watching the world wake up. There are birds flying and houselights flickering on and people taking their early morning walks, sipping their coffee and talking on their cell phones.

Snapping Adam from his thoughts, Sauli drapes most of his body along Adam's side. He points everything out, restaurants and attractions, places he likes to go, places he _wants_ to go. Adam takes this moment to _listen_ to Sauli in a way he hadn't last night; to hear his words and the excitement coloring his voice.

When Sauli has nothing more to say, he curls up against Adam's back, and Adam swears he can feel that ever-present smile pressed into his skin.

Adam is content to just lay there for a while and watch the light of day slowly flood into the room, bask in the warmth at his back. After a while, though, he gets up and rolls out of bed, needing to move around a little, to _do_ something.

Sauli's gaze falls upon him. "Adam?"

"Shower," Adam explains. "You wanna join me?"

Sauli nods eagerly, hopping out of bed, rushing just to keep up with Adam.

 ****

 **~*~**

Once the hot water hits his skin, Adam becomes aware of a strange stinging in his back. He wonders how he missed Sauli's nails digging into him the night before; why he's just realizing it now, but it brings a smile to his face nonetheless.

They sit beside each other in the shower, just letting their skin and hair get wet. Sauli crawls into Adam's lap and leans his head back, closing his eyes and becoming boneless. Adam drinks in the sight of him, the beauty he holds, especially in this one, raw moment.

In one smooth motion, Sauli twists his body and fits himself in tight behind Adam, chest flush against his back. He reaches for the shampoo, coats his hands, then digs his fingers into Adam's hair, just the right side of too rough.

"You are very beautiful," Sauli whispers, genuine and truthful. Adam purrs - fucking _purrs_ \- and responds verbally with something that sounds like _you too_ and _thank you_.

It's lovely, it's calming, it gets Adam out of his own head.

Sauli tilts Adam's head forward into the spray of water, lets it gently rinse his hair. With hardly a hitch in between, Sauli positions himself so he's sitting in front of Adam, dragging a soapy wash cloth across his skin.

It feels a little like when he cleaned them up last night; with the same gentleness and purposefulness evident in Sauli's touch. At the same time, it couldn't be more different. Sauli begins with Adam's chest, rubbing in small, mindful circles, before moving down across his stomach, then a quick, teasing flick across his cock. Adam groans mindlessly.

At that, Sauli just laughs, a throaty, amused sound that echoes off of tiled walls.

"My turn," Adam whispers. The cloth is discarded, and Sauli is leaning back against Adam again. His own hair is washed, and like before, Adam's being more careful than he really has to be, being cautious not to dig his nails in too sharply.

After a few moments of tolerating this, Sauli says, "Harder."

Adam's own laugh leaves his lips, joyful, amused.

When Adam is done washing Sauli's stomach and chest, he throws the cloth aside and brushes his fingers against Sauli's cock, bare skin instead of fabric.

Before Sauli can really register the touch, the water turns cold. He sighs, standing up and fumbling with knobs until it stops.

Sauli climbs out, wraps a towel around his waist, and, before walking out towards the bed, he says, "I will order breakfast."

For a moment, Adam just sits there, a little awestruck. He gets up, wipes the mirror with a towel, just enough so that he can see himself in it, and smiles. Really, truly _smiles_.

 ****

 **~*~**

Adam thought that Sauli had been kidding about ordering breakfast.

He's sitting cross-legged on the bed, still wearing nothing but the towel, and his hair is still dripping wet, enough that droplets of water run down his shoulders and his back, across warm, silk-smooth skin. Adam bites his lip.

Sauli's surrounded by plates of food. Either he ordered everything, or this comes with the territory.

"Come," Sauli says, patting an empty space beside him on the bed. "Eat."

There's a moment in between; between the distance that lay between them, between accepting and questioning. It doesn't last long. Adam's feet carry him to the bed, and he sits beside Sauli, just _gazing_ at him, looking for something to say.

"Eat," Sauli repeats. His tone is light, not frustrated or demanding. Adam sighs. Suddenly, he's lost his appetite.

He picks at a bagel and nibbles at it until his phone rings, pulling him from his thoughts.

Monte says something about meeting the band for coffee in the lobby, and Adam's heart sinks. So much for basking in this moment, in this morning. So much for not having another one-night stand.

"You have to leave?"

"I wish I could say no," Adam says, looking somewhat guilty.

Sauli shrugs. "It is fine; I also have work to do. Is that what it was for, work?"

"Yeah." It's not a lie. This is probably a meeting disguised as a friendly Sunday breakfast get-together of the sort. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Stop with that face. It doesn't suit you. You have a pretty smile; you should wear it." Sauli winks. Adam can tell that he's just playing around, being friendly, not nagging or really being serious. "I do not know who's going to finish all this food, but you must do what you must do."

Adam smiles, nods, and probably mumbles something that sounds like _okay_ or _thank you_ , or maybe some complete gibberish that Sauli has no hope of understanding.

He doesn't trust many people with his phone number, but he feels Sauli is worthy of that trust, and definitely worth seeing again. Adam knows that now he has to follow through. There have been times in the past when he didn't do that, and sometimes it still haunts him. It's one of his few true regrets. He's also been the victim in that situation; the one that offered their number but never got that phone call.

This time, though, they're _exchanging_ numbers. It makes this special somehow; different. It's as if Adam's getting a true chance to right all of his little wrongs.

With a few quick kisses to Sauli's cheek, his nose, and finally, his lips, Adam walks out the door.

 ****

 **~*~**

"You never sleep in this late," Monte notes.

"I wasn't sleeping." Adam sips at his coffee to hide the mischief in his smirk.

Someone whistles. "Boss man got laid!"

A warped jumble of sound, something between a laugh, a sigh, and an affectionate _shut up, man!_ escapes Adam's lips.

"What's his name?"

Adam knows that Monte's just being playful, not really expecting an answer, but this isn't the direction he'd wanted the conversation to take. At the same time, he's absolutely _ecstatic_ to the point where he's fighting the urge to shout from the rooftops, and he just can't stop _smiling_. If he didn't know any better, he'd stop biting his tongue and answer.

"Never mind; it's none of our business. We're happy for you, seriously. Hope it all works out."

That statement would have been gold, worthy of genuine thanks, without that last sentence.

He hopes _what_ works out?

 ****

 **~*~**

"Monte's just joking. He's just being Monte."

"I know." Adam runs a hand through his hair, and stares up at the ceiling. The past year and a half has been full of secrets. Sparking any sort of romance, any sort of flame, is a fight just to keep to himself, especially with all of the cameras and paps being shoved down his throat, all the questions being thrown at him.

Tommy, though...Tommy's safe. He can tell Tommy these things. Well, he can tell _anyone_ in the band here these things (except maybe Neil; he's had more than his share of these conversations years ago), but Tommy's here. Tommy's listening.

"His name's Sauli," Adam blurts out, "And he's really sweet, he seems like a really good guy. Except...It didn't feel like a one-night stand, y'know? Which is good, because that's not what I wanted, but..."

"You think it was?"

"God, I sure hope not." Adam chuckles humorlessly. These types of conversations are better suited for Sutan, but he knows Tommy's not going to look at him any differently for giving him a brief glimpse into his sex life.

A moment is spent in silence, broken by Adam's quick, "Sorry."

"Why?"

" 'Cause I'm acting like a little kid, that's why."

Tommy shrugs. "You can come to me, man. You can always come to me. To any of us. We don't mind you spilling your guts, because we know you wouldn't care if _we_ did."

"Thanks, man." It makes sense, but it doesn't really help ease Adam's mind.

 ****

 **~*~**

Adam does his best to keep all of the promises he made to himself, little promises. Promises like remembering to call Sauli, ask if they can meet up again. Promises like getting over this fucking teenage-girl angst and not freaking out over everything he's feeling.

The first phone call is far from the last. They keep in some sort of contact every day; calling when Adam has the time and the breathing room, and texting when he can't get himself alone. Sometimes, their phone calls barely last two minutes, and at other times, when they're lucky enough to overcome both the barriers of time difference and booked schedules, they talk for _hours_ , going on and on about nothing.

It gets them through the month.

When the tour is almost over - just two shows left that are several weeks away - Adam finally has some time to himself, some time to _breathe_ for just a little while. Fortunately, Sauli does, too.

It feels so natural for Adam to ask Sauli to come to Paris with him.

 ****

 **~*~**

"Isn't it beautiful?"

Before Adam can even get the sentence out, Sauli's darting around their hotel room, examining everything, eyes wide in wonder. He looks through every drawer, under all the furniture, sweeping his eyes over the adjoined bathroom before falling onto the bed, rolling around on satin sheets.

Then, he all but _pounces_ , tossing his body toward Adam and wrapping his limbs around Adam's waist. Sauli's kind of small compared to Adam, but he's so _strong_ , knocking Adam off balance and back into the door.

Sauli releases his hold, letting his feet hit the floor before reaching up to steal all of Adam's questions from his mouth.

"It is," Sauli finally answers, a light whisper against Adam's lips. "Amazing."

That moment of tenderness slips away, broken, as they tangle themselves together again, collapsing on the bed. Their clothes are stripped away quickly, yet with a measure of care, tossed aside and left to fall aimlessly to the floor.

"Gonna do it right this time," Adam growls, nuzzling Sauli's neck.

Sauli freezes. "Last time, we did it wrong?"

"Well, yeah." Adam pulls away just enough to meet Sauli's gaze. "We were drunk, and we didn't really know each other, and-"

"Adam."

Adam stops himself immediately, shivering at the effect that Sauli simply saying his name has on him.

"We barely know each other _now_ ," Sauli continues. There's laughter in his eyes, though, and Adam trusts it.

"Yeah, I guess, but we're not total strangers." Adam kisses his jaw. "Not anymore."

"Absolutely not," Sauli returns, a soft, pleasured smile playing over his features.

Adam looms over him, covering Sauli's body with his own, but before he can start anything, Sauli says, "No."

"No?" Adam pulls away again, concern in his eyes.

Sauli grins. "I want to ride you. I want to do this right, too."

And maybe that's what Adam is really starting to love about Sauli: he always asks for what he wants, never censors himself.

There's that word again. _Love_.

 ****

 **~*~**

The ringing of Adam's phone startles them both awake. Sauli watches Adam with curiosity as he takes the call.

Adam's expression almost instantly changes from one of exasperation to one of pure _joy_ , his eyes lighting up and his mouth curving upward in an impossibly wide smile. When he hangs up the phone, he meets the question in Sauli's eyes with his own excited gaze, gathering Sauli tight in his arms.

"I've been nominated for a Grammy!"

 ****

 **~*~**

Their second shower together is nothing like their first, which is probably because it's not really much of a shower at all. This hotel has a bathtub, and Adam wants to make the most of it.

Once again, they sit together, this time in happy, stunned silence. Adam moves, meaning to start washing Sauli's hair, but Sauli stops him.

"Today is yours."

Adam looks back at him, confused.

Sauli smirks. "You woke up to something happy, so your whole day should be happy, too. And if that's going to happen, I am thrilled to help. Just sit back. Close your eyes. Today is yours."

With a little hesitation, and lingering confusion that's slowly giving way to a fond appeciation, Adam tilts his head back, and lets his eyes fall shut.

"There you go." Sauli runs strong, product-slick fingers through Adam's hair, tilting his head upward to reach the back of it. Adam moans appreciatively as Sauli's hands roam to the back of his neck, massaging muscles that have grown stiff and neglected over a six month world tour.

Again, Sauli smiles. Adam sees a promise there, something that Sauli is keeping for later on.

His head is tilted forward into the spray. Once Adam's hair is rinsed, Sauli turns off the water, earning a questioning look from Adam.

"Relax," Sauli says. "Relax, Adam. You look so worried."

"Not worried," Adam murmurs. "Just...thinking."

"Thinking _too much_ ," Sauli returns.

It makes Adam aware that he's not experiencing this alone. He's floating-on-air happy, and he's sharing that with someone who honestly seems to care about _him_. Not his money, not his sex. _Him_.

 ****

 **~*~**

"I should call my mom. I wonder if she knows yet."

The words leave Adam's lips as Sauli absentmindedly runs his hands over Adam's exposed torso, fingers dancing along his stomach and caressing his chest and neck. "About the Grammy?"

"Yeah."

"Adam, I doubt she is even awake right now."

Sighing, Adam's eyes drift to the ceiling. Sauli's right; it's probably about two in the morning where his mother is.

"Just _relax_. I'm starting to think you do not know what that means." Sauli smiles playfully. "Today is-"

"Mine, I know." That comes out harsher than intended, but Sauli either doesn't notice, or doesn't care. Worried by the bitter silence that's fallen upon them, Adam quickly adds, "Thank you."

"Do not thank me, _relax_."

Adam only tenses up, an almost involuntary reaction to all the scrutiny, and closes his eyes, still unable to do what Sauli has already asked him to about a dozen times already.

"What's wrong?" Sauli's tone is laced with genuine concern, and, much to Adam's dismay, worry. Worrying Sauli is the last thing he wants to do.

Shaking his head, Adam draws in a deep, shaky breath, watching the clock tick as his muscles release their tension ever so slightly.

"You need to have a little trust in me," Sauli says, his tone gentle and careful. "You can speak, you know, about what's bothering you. I've never seen you so quiet."

Sauli flips over onto his front, sliding his body down until his chin is even with Adam's hip. His hand trails along Adams stomach, gently pinching the soft flesh between his fingers, not enough to hurt, but definitely enough to get Adam's attention. Adam gasps, trying to buck away from the touch without actually swatting Sauli's hand away.

"Is it this?" Sauli lays a flat hand over Adam's stomach, stroking gently. "Is _that_ the problem?" He isn't expecting a reaction, but he continues anyway. "I told you, Adam, you are beautiful. _Very_ beautiful. I wouldn't say that if I didn't think it was true."

With a sigh, Adam sinks back into the bed. He's still much too tense, too caught up within his own mind for Sauli to reach him.

At last, Adam blurts out, "Maybe, yeah. I don't know. It's just...I guess I could lose a little bit of weight, and-" God, he sounds pathetic already.

"Hush," Sauli whispers. He wants Adam to talk, to let everything out, but simply talking seems to take unusual effort for Adam, and Sauli already sees what the problem is here. He presses a gentle kiss to Adam's stomach, then another, and another, until he rolls onto Adam's body completely, trailing his mouth over the expanse of skin. "You are stunning. Whoever has told you otherwise must straighten their head."

That gets Adam to chuckle; definitely progress.

Adam tilts his head downward, finally relaxing almost completely. Sauli meets his eyes, stunned by what he sees there; all the broken pieces, every hope and dream Adam has never given a voice to, every want and need and love. Behind all of that, though, there's a vulnerability, a sense of disillusion. A sense of easing an iron-tight grip on control.

"How long have you carried this; this burden?"

The question catches Adam off guard. "Burden?"

"Your worry, your stress. How long?"

Adam sighs. "Months. Years. I can't even tell."

"I want to lighten it for you," Sauli whispers. "I can't take it all away, but can I help you carry it?"

Adam laughs heartily. "You already are."

 ****

 **~*~**

The phone calls are made in mid-afternoon, reaching out to everyone Adam can think of. His mother's already heard, and in fact, she'd been ready to call Adam herself.

None of these calls are just about the nomination. A lot of them are for reflection, and for catching up, to remember what it was like years ago when the thought of being in the running for a Grammy never crossed Adam's mind, not even for a moment.

When he calls Leila, though, it hits Adam that his family still doesn't really know much about Sauli. Adam's talked to his mother about him, but only briefly. He didn't even tell her as much as he told Tommy, but she had seemed satisfied with what Adam was willing to share. It's odd, though, to think that, for once, his parents don't have much of a clue about the man their son is sharing a hotel bed and a bottle of wine with.

Alisan and Dani have already found out, too, and they all spend quite a while reminiscing about the days of musicals and bar gigs. It's so nice to have a chance to stop and stand back, see how far he's come. He's done so much to build up to this point with hardly a hitch in between that standing still, looking back, and really _truly_ noticing all of the progress he's made in two years has been difficult.

He calls Brad, but somehow, he feels a little awkward talking about their own glory days with Sauli in the room. It doesn't stop him, though.

Adam realizes that, throughout the time he spends just chatting away, Sauli is always doing something, always moving. He spends most of the time tidying up their hotel room, which is pretty clean to start with. He toys with his own phone and paces when he runs out of things to clean, but he's never idle.

It makes an uncontrollable, fond smile bleed out through Adam's voice as he speaks. He wonders if Brad notices.

 ****

 **~*~**

The nightclubs here are different, especially from what Adam's used to, but it turns out to be just what he needs. Adam is more free than he's been in such a long time, in _too_ long. It's no surprise to him at all that Sauli's an incredible dancer, giving himself over to the music and the energy beautifully, so much so that Adam can't break his stare, can't help but _burn_ for him. All the while, Sauli's still so light on his feet, smiling eternally, eyes flashing with joy one moment, and heat the next.

It makes for an interesting sight, to say the least. Sometimes, Adam can't help but kiss him right there on the dance floor, from quick and discreet to long and wild and dirty. _Possessive_.

Sometimes, when they roam to a far corner where no eyes will find them, Adam _touches_ , grips Sauli's hip in one hand and the back of his neck in the other, and he kisses again, deep and blissful until they're practically swallowing each other whole. Adam licks, and he bites, whispering sweet endearments and dirty praises close to Sauli's ear.

Then, as makeup starts trailing down Adam's face, as they empty their glasses and the lights lose their shine, these words become entirely different. The touches become more mindful, deeper, as if they're clinging to each other with caresses alone.

The desperation gives way to something even more raw, even more beautiful. Something that's not love, but has no other name.

 ****

 **~*~**

The Glam Nation tour goes out with a bang. A huge bang. Adam's surprised fireworks don't go off or something.

It's odd, though, to stand where he stood exactly six years ago, to see so many familiar faces in the crowd. Again, he sees how far he's come, remembers those days, remembers being told he would never make it, being told he had to change his outfits or take off his makeup.

Like every night, he feeds off of the crowd's energy, gives in to the raw, pulsing need to _sing_ for these people, to pour out his very heart and soul to them. He holds them all in the palm of his hand, writhing around on the glitter-strewn stage, playing around with the mic, really giving them all a _show_.

When he's given so much time off - time he can actually spend at home, or out, whatever he wants - it's like a shock to Adam's system. He still has work, sure. He still has some interviews and appearances to make. The point is, most mornings he can actually sleep in a little bit for once. It means he can spend some quality time with friends and family, or, if he so wishes, spend a little time alone.

Unfortunately, Sauli can't catch that same break. He's become very busy on the other side of the Atlantic, but he still finds time to call, to text, to do _something_ to keep a little bit of contact with Adam. It's daily, much like it had been in November.

Despite the relatively brief period of time they had spent together, Adam realizes that he has come to know every contour of Sauli's body, every color of his face and his soul. On nights when he's alone, curled up on his couch, perfectly content, sometimes he just leans his head back, closes his eyes, and _remembers_. He remembers the broken whimpers and moans that fall from Sauli's lips when he's on the cusp of coming, remembers that _look_ in his eyes, fueled by desire, by passion.

Mostly, though, he remembers Sauli's smile.

He swears he can _see_ that smile every time he hears Sauli's voice. It's a comfort, somehow, to think that he's still keeping this up, still keeping in contact. It's nice to know that Sauli hasn't simply given up on him yet, like so many boys've done before.

Adam thinks of these weeks as the planing stage before the actual planning stage. This is when he gathers all of his thoughts about the direction he wants to take when he starts working on new music. He never really got the chance to do that last time, to just sit at home without the pressure of deadlines and such, and just _think_. Sometimes, when his ideas are vivid enough, _worthy_ enough, he puts them on paper.

Sometimes, Adam is pulled from his sleep, waking up with lyrics in his head that beg to be written down. He tries to keep all of them together in one place.

He writes these lines on scrap mail, napkins, whatever he can find. When he's lucky, he has a notebook around with an empty page or two. He scrawls a few words, then a few more, then crosses some out. He's the only one who will ever be able to understand exactly what it all means.

Some days, he finds himself singing a few lines he's already written that stick out in his mind, whether he's driving, watching television, or showering.

He looks into the mirror and finds that his face is hardly ever without a smile anymore, and that his eyes are never without their shine. He remembers the days when those eyes always seemed to be a little dull, whether it was from all the alcohol or simply being _unhappy_. But, even then, he'd had good days, and Adam keeps that in mind.

Slowly, so slowly, Adam realizes something. Something big, something a little bit frightening, something that occurs to him completely out of nowhere.

Maybe, just maybe, he's in love.

 ****

 **~*~**

Sauli has a few days off to spend in L.A, and Adam doesn't want to waste a moment of any of them.

The trip to Disneyland is mostly Sutan's idea, although Adam has always wanted to go back there, too. It's been a while since he's had the opportunity to come to these kinds of places, spend the day and just let himself _go_ , have some fun. He knows Sutan won't mind if he brings Sauli along. Hell, he'll probably want to meet him, anyhow. After all, Sutan has always been pretty interested in Adam's love life - in _everyone's_ love life - and has always offered support without crossing any lines. He always remains friendly about it, no matter how inappropriate his questions seem.

Unlike Adam's mother, though, Sutan sometimes shifts those conversations to the sex, which would be very ill-suited for a place like this, surrounded by so many people, so many little kids.

Instead, when Sutan gets Adam alone, he simply pins Adam with this all-knowing _smirk_ , a smirk that Adam has learned not to be intimidated by. It just means that he knows Adam has a secret, has something he needs to get off his chest. It's his way of letting Adam know that his secret's safe with him.

"He's gorgeous," Sutan says. "Where'd you find him?"

Of course, he's being sarcastic, figurative. He's already gotten Adam to tell him these things.

Adam laughs. "What a place to start a fairy tale, huh?"

"This is no fairytale, boo. That boy's the real deal. Don't let him get away, now."

"I won't," Adam says, almost to himself. "I hope I don't."

 ****

 **~*~**

As they walk, the three reach a place where they're practically hidden from unwanted eyes, where no one's going to randomly pop out of nowhere and snap a picture. Adam turns his head, looks down at Sauli, and reaches for his hand.

Sauli smiles without looking back at him, squeezing his fingers a little, swinging their arms in time with their footsteps. Sutan just grins, fondly shaking his head.

When they're back in the open, they let go.

 ****

 **~*~**

The rest of the day is spent in bliss, light as air. Adam and Sauli's fingers entwine whenever they're out of other people's line of sight. Sometimes, when they're truly alone, truly unwatched, they share cotton-candy kisses and gaze into each other's eyes like they've been doing this for years, like they've known each other far longer than a couple of months.

It's nice, really nice. He's out in the open, having fun, without a trace of makeup on his face. He feels more down-to-earth than he's felt in so long.

It's beautiful. So, so beautiful.

That day changes something. It's the day Adam realizes that he's thinking of Sauli as a _boyfriend_ now, not some good-hearted guy he's shared a bed with, not a voice on the other end of a phone line. Something had always been _there_ , slowly building from the moment their eyes met. But now, whatever it is, it's in full bloom, ready to burst right out of Adam's heart.

If he's not careful, though, he'll say too much too soon. He'll blow it.

 ****

 **~*~**

They lay together on Adam's couch, watching some movie that neither of them are really paying attention to.

"Today was fun," Sauli says. "Thank you."

Adam answers him with a nod and a kiss.

Late into the night, Sauli turns so that he's facing Adam, curled up against his body, face pressed against his chest. Minutes later, he's sound asleep, with one arm on Adam's stomach and the other arm dangling over his waist.

Adam's arms circle him protectively, almost instinctively. Beautiful. Just like this day, like this life, Sauli is so stunningly _beautiful_.

 ****

 **~*~**

He wakes up with an aching neck and empty arms.

At first, Adam panics a little bit. It would've been so easy for Sauli to leave Adam's home, sure, but where would he go? It's not like he has a legitimate residence here; not yet. He doesn't have a car, either. It's exactly why Adam had invited him back to his own house in the first place.

His train of thought is completely broken when he hears some kind of shuffling in the background. He turns his head, noticing that his kitchen light is on, noticing moving shadows and hearing footsteps.

Adam sleepily drags himself up from the couch. He stands too quickly, which is a big mistake, feeling his whole body ache from sleeping in such an odd position all night, limbs twisted and neck stretched.

"Sauli?" Adam's feet pull him towards the source of the light, and Sauli's head peeks out from around the corner, greeting Adam with a sweet smile, like always.

"You are awake!" Sauli beams, almost looking torn between running to Adam and returning to whatever he was doing in Adam's kitchen.

"What are you-"

"Making breakfast," Sauli chimes. "Oh, and, where do you keep your...um..."

Adam blinks once, cocks his head in confusion, and then says, "Spatulas?"

"Right, yes! Those..." Sauli looks around, as if he's a little lost.

Adam finally joins him in the kitchen. He takes note of how _clean_ it looks, dishes neatly stacked and tables wiped clean, save for the counter, which Sauli's using.

"Your making pancakes?"

"You had a box of mix, and I wanted to make them for you." He sounds so cheerful, so _awake_. "But, if I don't find a spatula, or whatever you call it, they're going to burn."

Holding back a laugh, Adam points to a drawer.

 ****

 **~*~**

Right in the middle of breakfast, Sauli gets up and pulls all the blinds up in the dining room. It's early, but it's still bright, brighter than most January mornings.

"What a beautiful day!" Sauli stares out the window, grinning from ear to ear. "We can't just stay home, Adam. It's too nice!"

Home.

Sauli just called this place home.

Adam is frozen in contemplation for a moment before he says, "We could go shopping."

Sauli sits down, taking another bite of his pancakes. "Shopping! Where?"

 ****

 **~*~**

Adam takes a deep breath, tilting his head up to the sky. Melrose Avenue. He's always adored this place; not just the stores, but the people. _So many people_.

They stroll along the street, just looking around for now. Adam loses himself within his own head, thoughts drifting from the sights to the sounds, from the future to the past, before finally being brought back to the present when Sauli says, "Tomorrow is your birthday."

Though they'd brought it up before, somewhere in between conversation between Paris and Los Angeles, Adam must've forgotten that Sauli's known this for a while. He simply answers, "Yeah."

"You look like you didn't know." Sauli's tone is teasing, but his smile is sincere, incapable of lying. "I wanna be there with you, celebrate with you. I'm going to buy you gifts and kiss you and hold you..."

Sauli brushes Adam's hand, a fleeting moment of contact. Something electric, something indescribable, shoots up Adam's spine at the touch, and he can't quite hear the rest of what Sauli has to say.

 ****

 **~*~**

Sauli lets out a loud, delighted gasp, turning away from Adam to gaze at a pair of boots, shiny and black and beautiful. "Ohh, I'm getting these."

They're both carrying around a few bags and boxes by now, taking them back to the car when their arms get too full. Adam can feel eyes on him, knows there are cameras flashing around them without actually seeing anything. If he can credit paparazzi for anything, it's for making him very, very aware.

Something tells him that Sauli knows, too.

Situations like these usually infuriate Adam, mostly because his boyfriends are usually pretty camera shy. Now, though, he sees that Sauli doesn't seem to care. He's lived this before, maybe not as much or as often as Adam, but he's been followed around, and he's had his share of quiet, peaceful moments shattered by those stupid cameras, much like Adam has.

It makes Adam smile to think that's one less thing he has to worry about, to think that Sauli isn't going to freak out every time they're out in the open. It's almost like a weight off his shoulders, yet at the same time, it feels like falling a little deeper.

 ****

 **~*~**

Once again, they're sharing a bottle of wine, one that Adam's been meaning to keep for an occasion such as this; for an occasion which isn't really an occasion at all. There're no candles, just fading sunlight. There's no 'mood' music in the background, just the television. There's no bed and no rose petals, just Adam's couch.

It shouldn't really be romantic, but it _is_.

They talk for a while, like they always do when they have time to themselves. Adam talks about Charity Water, about how amazing it is to see so many people donating so much money, even if they don't quite reach the goal by tomorrow. They talk about their yesterdays, and their tomorrows, their thoughts and hopes.

When the talking's over, when they've run out of words, they crash into each other's arms, sharing kisses hinted with something even sweeter than the wine they've been drinking. They make their way back to Adam's bedroom, with Sauli half-draped along Adam's side.

"Save it for tomorrow," Sauli murmurs as they plummet to the bed.

Adam hums, and slows their kiss. With a teasing tone, he says, "Uh-oh. What're you gonna do?"

Sauli kisses Adam's forehead, then curls up against his side with closed eyes and a sleepy smile.

 ****

 **~*~**

"Happy birthday!"

Sauli pulls Adam from his sleep, raining kisses all over his skin. Adam beams at him, then thanks him before pulling him close, pressing them close together.

He whispers something, but Adam can't make out his words. He hears his name somewhere in between what sounds like _beautiful_ and _lovely_ , before Sauli moves forward a little to capture Adam's mouth. He tastes like sleep and sincerity, like a heat wave.

"Shower, yes?"

That's something Adam's definitely not saying no to.

 ****

 **~*~**

Sauli can't make Adam a cake like he wants to, because his cabinets are bare of the needed baking ingredients, but he _does_ have the next best thing: frosting.

They spend most of the morning licking chocolate icing out of each others mouths, until Adam receives a phone call, and is told that Scarlett has given birth.

"I'm a godfather!" Adam says once he ends the call, his sheer happiness reminding Sauli of the morning he was informed of his Grammy nomination, multiplied by a hundred. "This is so cool!"

 **~*~**

Alisan calls, absolutely over the moon about being Riff's co-godparent. It occurs to Adam that he can't wait for Sauli to meet her, to meet everyone. _Everyone_. His, friends, his band, his parents. His _parents_.

He closes his eyes and thinks about it all for a moment, thinks about how perfectly Sauli would fit into the circle, weave so beautifully, so seamlessly into his life. He thinks about what it all means, wonders if he'll be strong enough not to mess up and let Sauli go so easily.

Then, he mentally kicks himself for even dwelling that far into his head on his birthday. His fucking _birthday_.

 ****

 **~*~**

The conversation starts as a joke, a little teasing question that Adam takes a little too seriously, which is strangely unlike him. "What if they don't like me?"

"They're all gonna _love_ you, baby. Hell, I bet Dani'll just wanna eat you up!" Adam's smile is full of laughter and sincerity. He honestly can't believe that Sauli would be worried about Adam's friends not liking him. That's one of the last things he should ever have to worry about.

"Well," Sauli begins again, "What about your parents?"

Adam exhales, releasing some sound between a sigh and a laugh. "I'm sure they'll adore you. My mom's probably gonna talk with you a _lot_ , though. Just a little warning. My father...He'll like you, for sure."

Sauli leans back, mouth forming a pleased grin. Joke or not, the question was one he considered relevant, and he was pleased with the answer.

 ****

 **~*~**

Adam was right about his mother being a talker.

He was right about his father taking a liking to Sauli.

He was _certainly_ right about Dani wanting to eat him up.

Meeting Adam's parents makes Sauli's nerves prickle a little bit, but getting over that is easy. They get along very well, and they talk for much longer than any of them expect while Adam greets the others.

Sauli smiles. He's mother-approved.

The photo booth is a blast, and nothing can beat posing in a photo booth while you're drunk, as well as surrounded by friends who are equally drunk.

Well into the morning, the party has winded down, and everyone's saying their goodbyes, all of his friends and family showering kisses over Adam's face (some do the same to Sauli, as well) as they leave.

 ****

 **~*~**

"See? You fit right in. No worries."

Sauli nods. "I do. That was very fun. You must be tired."

Adam crawls into bed, with Sauli close behind him. They're much too sleepy to do much more than kiss, tangled in each other's embrace.

Minutes later, Adam's gaze drifts to Sauli's face. He's thinking, thinking hard, looking like he's trying to solve a puzzle with his eyes, like he's trying to be telekinetic. He's convinced Sauli's asleep until his eyes flutter open, trained on Adam.

He looks so content, and Adam feels his heart skip a beat or two.

"Is something wrong?" Sauli flips onto his stomach and traces Adam's jaw with a fingertip. "You're thinking again. A lot."

Adam sighs in defeat. "I am."

"You want to talk to me about it?"

The answer is hard. If Adam says no, he won't be able to sleep tonight, thoughts racing and head aching with all of the words that are begging to be given a voice. If he says yes, he'll have to spill his sappy guts like some little girl on her prom night.

He can see in Sauli's eyes, though, that even if the question seems to hold options, he won't accept a no.

Adam grimaces uncharacteristically. "It's gonna sound so stupid."

"Remember what I told you about having a little trust in me?" Sauli brushes his knuckles against Adam's cheek. "I won't laugh. I promise."

Adam draws in a deep breath, preparing himself for Sauli to break that promise like he knows he never really would.

"What if I told you that I think, even just for a moment, that I might be falling for you?"

Sauli stares. "That's all?"

Swallowing nervously, Adam says, "I guess?" It comes out as more of a question; he's not really sure what Sauli's getting at.

"Adam, there is nothing stupid about that. I have adored you from the moment our eyes met."

Adam's heart soars, and he's surprised that it doesn't stop completely.

"But now," Sauli continues, "I don't think it stops there."

It's becoming something of a challenge, seeing who's going to spill the words first.

"Oh?" Adam smirks playfully. "Where does it stop?"

"It doesn't," Sauli says simply. "Never." He pauses, waiting for the perfect moment. "I lo-"

"Whoa, honey. We'll say it together, okay?"

Sauli nods, eyes shimmering in the lack of light.

One. Two. Three.

"I love you."

There's a thrill in voicing it somehow, in hearing the words out in the open, If Adam weren't tired enough to cry (totally a schoolgirl move, but he _can't fucking stop it_ ) he probably (most definitely) would.

Adam feels a weight roll off of him, a doubt that's been deeply nestled in his heart for what feels like ages. He wants - _needs_ \- to say it again, but he figures there'll be plenty of time for that in the days, weeks, _years_  to come.

They have their whole lives ahead of them to say it again and again.


End file.
